September 26, 2004
Love & dating...21
When we tell him/her that one of the reasons why we love him/her is 'cos he/she will make a great husband or wife, are we not actually saying we love the possibility of him/her becoming our husband or wife?
So, what is it that we love? The person or the possibility? Have we not already fallen for our own image of what our future could be with this person, rather than the person him/herself? It's so easy to fall in love with a possibility especially when the present seems to suggest that the possibility could be more distant than desired.
I guess, it's true that one of the things that says if you are in love with someone is whether you can see a future with this person and how much you like this future. However, maybe it's time to stop and think for awhile if and when this possibility becomes the centre of a relationship with someone, instead of the present happiness of both parties being the centre of a relationship.
I fell in love with someone before. Then, it became too difficult, sometimes even painful, to love him and i trust, for him to love me. Then, I fell in love with the possibility of what we could have been. And I held on to that dearly. Because he knew me and I, him. He knew me without my telling him, he knew my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my plans. I thought I could never find another like him. And there could be nothing better than having a future with him. Until I realised 2 things.
1. There is nothing psychic about knowing someone's every thoughts and actions, or knowing just what to do with him/her when he/she is in one of those moods. It's about understanding. And in fact, most people would be able to accomplish that if they take a bit time off to really talk to and understand another.
2. My loving him has transformed into loving a future with him, and not himself. I made myself adjust, I self-talked, in some ways, I tried to change myself, just so I could keep believing we could get there someday. I know he tried too. Only at our age, you may change characteristics but you can't change personality. And, you can't change a lot of things, everything that is outside your sphere of influence. You can only change your attitude and your opinion about the forces acting against your wishes.
It's hard. It hurts. To let go of that image, that future. But, you'd be happier as soon as you let it go. Who knows, you would be pleasantly surprised when you let it go and live to see another future with someone else becoming a reality without you holding on so dearly to it.
Live in the now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:33
Ever handsome
Went to sing 3 hours of KTV with Bblics last night at S'goon gdn. And spent whatever is left of my spending money for this month. Sigh. But, we had a good time. I had a fantastic time while my eyes were fixated on Leon Lai in his MTVs. He, is, so, so, so handsome. haha He was so unreachably handsome when I was in secondary school and still is. Such nice voice too. I was practically fantasizing him singing one of his early-days songs to me.
Heh, I think I'm just in one of my 'moods' again. Wenn agreed without the politeness of hesistation. My darling~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:51
September 25, 2004
Private Limited Patience
'Stop calling me, you fool! I don't know you, bloody hell. Don't fucking waste my time.'
If you receive such a sms one fine Saturday morning, it means you are really annoying. I hope the moron who calls me every few days without saying anything gets the idea. I already informed, then warned him before that he's on the top of my 'To fuck off' list. He didn't get the idea.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:17
September 23, 2004
How about another sweet?
One of my students in school refuses to come to school after his first week in school. *bawls*
He didn't come for 2 days. I called. His Dad said that he has problems getting him to school cos he claimed school is not fun, it's boring and he doesn't like it one freaking bit. But I think the most problematic reason is that one of his classmates pushes him and tried to make friends with him and get his attention by, well, strangling him.
Hey, people, it's ASD children I'm working with. They mean absolutely no harm. They just don't know how to communicate and express themselves appropriately.
Anyway, I'm still very much stressed up at work and many other aspects of my pretty-ugly life. So, I plead guilty if I've been blowing hot and cold at some of you guyz or simply ignoring you. Guess mostly, I just seem anti-social.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:19
September 22, 2004
End of the leash
Smsed wenping. Haven't seen him for long time. Apple and me decided to ask him out together with Evelyn. He told Apple he would bring his girlfriend along. Apple didn't want that. I smsed him to tell him that we would like to have his exclusive attention when we 'suan' him. He laughed. Beat around the bush. In the end, said it is unlikely that his girlfriend wont' come. I told him to get some personal space! I've nothing against his ger, being only met her once. But, if your friends so specifically told you that they want to meet you (and are actually taking the initiative to get you out for your b'day), and that they prefer if it would be just among ourselves, ala carte, wouldn't it be really insulting to insist that you are bringing a package deal? Besides, they are colleagues! In the same deaprtment!
He replied. Said he 'has no personal space, but that's ok.' If you ask me, THAT is Definitely NOT ok.
I didn't waste no more sms in replying.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:14
Love & dating...20
The ten things (could be more, but I've limited time and brain juice now) about being a part of a couple that I miss:
1. Calls from the other part during lunch. 'Going for lunch with my colleagues now... you leh?' and asking like I really cared if it's bak chor mee or mee hoon kuay.
2. Smsing the other part while waiting for the bus, after an exasperating tuition session.
3. Going out for supper, pretending I'm really not tired yet.
4. Watching stupid movies, just because.
5. Taking personal time out and spending time alone while knowing there is a 'him' to go back to when I'm done with 'personal time'.
6. Walking together. Just walking together.
7. Hugging.
8. Kissing.
9. Pretending to watch tv with him when I'm actually looking at the other part, thinking how marvellous it is that we are together.
10. The really simple but comforting 'How's your day?' even though the other part may be doing hundred and one other things at the same time instead of listening to my answer.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:02
September 19, 2004
Orange Blossom
Met April this afternoon for tea. Had a good chat with her. I always preferred small meet-ups. It's just so much easier to catch up with someone when you only have one another to talk to and share with. So, it was a really pleasant afternoon, talking about our jobs, our families, our self-indulgences (mainly revolving around Origins, Hollywood's Secrets and pedicures) and the occasional jump down memory lane. Nothing lame. Or we didn't noticed.
xxx
Get ready for Week II
I didn't manage to clear all the work that I'm supposed to clear this weekend. Actually, I already knew I wasn't capable of that. But I still took back my stuff, my resources and did up a to-do list. It just makes me feel better seeing that I am organised. And well, I did manage to cross out 4 out of 6 on the list. So, that's not too bad, isn't it?
Week 1 flew by while I held my breath. Getting ready for week 2. The best thing is, I haven't even got round to doing my detailed lesson plan for week 1. haha... I really wanted to do it erm, today. But, see! There is great 'joy' in accumulating work. I shall do it together with week 2's lesson plan this weekend. If only I could make myself believe that. =P The purpose of the detailed lesson plan is a back-up plan for the relief teachers if I do fall sick, so that whoever is taking over my class would know what to do for the day. Meaning, if I do NOT fall sick yet, I still can deceive myself that I will do it 'this weekend'. At least, I finished preparing the materials for the lessons next week. Importantly, I feel recharged after the laughing and stoning at Far East Sq yesterday. Not so much murder, maybe just homicide.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:40
Dust-cheap
Yay! We made profit!
The selling at the flea market at Far East Square yesterday was great fun! We would have won the award for being the most disorganised stall. Still, we managed to sell. Photo frames, soft toys, bags, clothes, books, old music records, paper weights, jewellery sets... going at 30cents to 8 dollars. Selling one thing off is freeing ourselves of the space that has been allocated in our room to collect dust. Felt extremely satisfying.
There wasn't much haggling. Instead, there were occasional gasps upon seeing our stuff going for a quarter of a piece of chesecake. The attitude towards the end was 'die, die must sell!' Still, the poor moshi maru bed lamp was rejected by a customer even as a free gift! See! Singaporeans are not all kiasu people.
Shaun was there with us, with his little ukelele, which was so cute I contemplated selling it off at 20 freaking bucks if he did not display his brute force at Wenn throughout the time he was with us. Thanks, Shaun! But please go learn a full english song lah! We either couldn't hear you properly or you couldn't sing the song we requested!
Friends came! Snow, Anna and Victor, Adeline, Vivien and her friend (was it steven?). Thank you, thank you! I bet our neighbour was thinking 'these girls having their party here eh'. We were noisy, we were laughing, waving at friends and Wenn's family, singing, eating. Oh, and selling.
I sure don't mind doing it again! Darlings, stock up for the next one k! ^^
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:13
September 17, 2004
Still at large
I feel murderous, and there's only one person so far that is excessively capable of making me feel this way, towards her. She sleeps in the bedroom across my living room.
xxx
Geek or G.I.D?
No need for self-doubts. You ARE a geek. The 9th diarrhoea thing is referring to the G.I.D? 24 hr cafe? What makes you think you are such great company? You are only great for as long as you don't eat cheese and martini.
xxx
Those pretty nails
... and the highlighted hair gone wrong. But not so wrong to get me suspended from school.
xxx
Close the door behind you
Yes, please. It's all coming back and too damn much to cope with now. In fact, too much to cope with in this life.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:28
breathe out now...
Thrown into a new dimension. Face to face with three 7-year-olds. Not the type you find in the typical PAP kindergarten, but the ASD type. The type who is (but not limited to) 1. overly (and inappropriately)-friendly 2. weighs only 2 kg lighter than me and have lotsa sensory issues 3. easily overly-sensitive. All with high anxiety level about their new studying environment and their new teacher who has held her breath from Monday till now.
Try teaching 'I', 'He', 'She', 'You', 'We' and 'They'. The simplest stuff is no longer a simple thing to learn, nor teach.
But, hey... the 'Teacher, I want to go toilet' and 'Teacher, I want toy' and 'Bye bye, teacher' and 'Teacher, I love you' make it all worthwhile.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:17
September 12, 2004
Introducing my very First Gas, I meant, Guest Blogger... Snow Tan aka owner of Archie's Cranky World!!! (he's a bit stoned now cos I just fed him with cheese and Lychee Martini.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++
very very sleepy is the word to describe my current state now. lunch was good ( tks 2 the ORIGINAL pervert) for her effort n she has proven that she can handle more than instant noodles n fried eggs. the menu consisted of cheese n ham pasta laced with organic potatoes and pan fried dory fish seasoned with herbs, honey n some chinese wine.
sounds delectable?
it was.
now coupled with a yummy lychee martini i am tempted to borrow her bed n conk out for a quick power nap.
anyway, we decided to have our next episode of our 'intelluctual debate' very soon. depending on the bionic woman's timetable , we r ready to talk thru our asses again over many topics. one that came to me is the new publication called 'relive the passion' some patronising DIY bk published by well meaning folks who intend to teach us how to 'pak toh' (dating).
is that pathetic enuff for u? we have campaigns teaching/reminding us to wash our hands, dun litter, have lotsa sex n babies n now dating. n they say they run out of ideas how to sell our nation.
how abt this:
uniquely sg. where one does not need to learn to think 4 himself.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think I might have done irreparable damage to his brains first before the stomach. Thanks, pervert. Now, you know what PPGMCE stands for, once again!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:35
Glorious, lovely end.
Thank you so very much, y'all! It was nothing short of horrid; I was really hoping it would be over and even tried to sleep it away.
Thank you Meisen and Snow! This big smile just formed while I read both your blogs. ^^
A quick, microwave death
Snow, do you know, deep down, that I truly cherish your friendship and your guts in telling the most candid of truth? Especially the part about 'possesses depth'. And if you happen to read this before you take 165,166 or 132 upwards, I serve lunch but I don't serve ENO and am not liable to pay for any medical expenses incurred as a direct or indirect result of my cooking.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:24
September 11, 2004
A few dozen more and I'd be done!
xxx
I don't understand and cannot stand parents who show concern over their kids' school performance only 2 weeks before their VIP exams, e.g. PSLE and 'O' levels.
I'm recently called up by my ex-tutor, who has been offering me tuition assignments whenever he has any. He asked a favour of me, i.e. to give tuition to one of his students who is in Pri 6 and will be taking the PSLE in 3 weeks time. At around the same time, one of my uncles called and asked me to help with his son (my cousin) who will be taking that same exam in same time.
I declined my uncle. It's always harder to 'work' for relatives than for people you don't know personally. And, this uncle of mine has a reputation of being petty. I really don't want to get myself into the limelight if he ever discusses his son's non-improvement in the short span of 3 weeks of tuition under yours sincerely.
The other parent, the one who is the mother of my ex-tutor's student... Oh, that one is damn irritating. Some background info: I have 4 groups of students on hand now. 2 groups are sitting for their O levels in Nov and 1 is due for PSLE. Therefore, on top of my own increasing workload at work, I have been rushing and packing my free time with a lot of tuition. And, it is slightly crazy to take on one more assignment. I barely take dinner at home nowadays!
But, okay, my ex-tutor has always been understanding and generous with me. So, since he asked, I told him I can only squeeze out one time slot per week for his student. I was then told to contact the mother. Agony!
She's either uncontactable, or I seem to catch her at all the wrong time. And she doesn't sound very enthusiastic or concerned about her daughter's PSLE. I'm not a sucker too. I just stopped trying and in the end, my ex-tutor arranged everything for me and it was understood and agreed that due to my very tight schedule, I can only give 1 session per week but 2 hours per session. And, hullo! I'm charging her lesser than what I would usually charge.
Just when I thought everything is settled, and I'd have to burn another few hours per week and give up on my personal time for reading, the mother called. She told me that I have to arrange to start this week, maybe Saturday or Sunday or whatever. 'Cos her daughter is having her prelim exams next wednesday. I wanted to say, 'My problem?' but didn't.
But I made a BOLD suggestion. I asked, 'Actually, since Wed is the exams, she can actually revise on her own, right?'
Then, auntie changed strategy. She requested that I see her daughter 2 times a week, instead of once because 'her PSLE is coming soon'. I wanted to say, 'Oh! Surprise, surprise! You know that too?'
I tried to explain to her nicely how I have other students who have been with me for 3 years and they will be taking their PSLE exams too! Hence, implying that there is absolutely no way I can compromise them to give her kid more time. Then, she asked me about the rate I'm charging. That got me real pissed. I told her that the rate she's paying for now is only for the one month till her kid's PSLE is over. She sounded really pissed and not at all pleased. It's not my problem.
I just wanna say to parents of this calibre. Teachers AND tutors are NOT saint. We cannot perform miracles. Honestly, if your child can't even be disciplined enough to revise for their own exams and require someone to sit beside them before they do any work, you think the presense of a tutor will miraculously make him/her more self-motivated? Besides, YOU, the parent, is supposed to be the one to supervise you child's work at home! Don't use money to redeem your conscience by paying someone else to do the job for you. A few weeks to their exams and you expect a teacher or tutor will suddenly be able to activate a part of their brain to remember everything that have been taught for the past few years? You think too highly of us.
My parents never give much shit about our studies. They just needed to know we are doing fine and are not skipping school, erm, at least till university. hee... My dad used to shut my sisters and I in the bedroom just to revise. Well, it worked, especially when we knew he was outside and so was TV and dinner and toys.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:52
September 07, 2004
A new meaning
Love & dating...19
What do you do with the stuff that your ex-bf or ex-gf gave you during the days when you both didn't know any better?
There's this guy who courted me during Sec 1. He gave me little crafts that he made himself. I remember one was this paper heart that was weaved with ribbon. I also remember that I was extremely touched when he gave me that. He told me he learnt it from his sister. Then, we sorta stopped seeing each other, if that's possible cos we never really started seeing each other. And one spring cleaning, I must have threw that heart away. Then, I remember looking for it, thinking that I couldn't have thrown it away cos it was from the first person who actually courted me and he made such effort to make that. In the end, I remember feeling utterly disappointed with myself for being that 'heartless' then. So, I resolved that I am NOT going to throw away anything that my boyfriend gives me in future.
And I didn't. I keep all the stuff that my ex-bf gave me. Make that 2 ex-bfs. GQ would be in serious disbelief (probably disgust too) if I ever told him that the stupid paper rose he gave me on V-day is still collecting dust on my bookshelf. Maybe that can be used as a bribe someday... ahhh.... heh.
I have this box full of things that my ex gave me, including things that are only remotely associated with him. Honestly, I don't know what to do with it. I remember not wanting to throw them away cos I didn't want to experience the same kind of disappointment I did many years ago. That was why I dragged Wenn out one evening to Bugis and we got a really nice lime green cardboard box to dump all my stuff and hopefully, emotional baggage into. It's still in my bedroom, accumulating more stuff and dust.
Remember something Laifa once said, that things from the last relationship should take up space in your memories but not in your physical living space.
I think, someday, I will throw the whole thing away. Maybe keep just the cards. No. I'd probably keep the box too. It's really nice. haa...
What would she do with the things he gave? The same way she did with everything that they were. What would you do then?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:15
Menu's out. No peanutz. Might have some 'uninvited' guests (my sis's friends from Taiwan here for a visit). We'll sell them coupons to buy our food with.
xxx
A slightly unfamiliar memory lane
I went to NUS today. I had to go down to IMM to get some stuff to structure my classroom with. I thought I would just 'transit' at Clementi and pop by NUS to have lunch and say hi to whichever prof I might bump into. Heh, guess who was the first one I bumped into? Prof Chua!
The arts canteen was so crowded when I went that I gave up the idea of 'reliving' the old times by having lunch there. Besides, well, really, many stalls have changed owners. But I still got myself a strawberry milkshake. hee...
So, after I decided not to have lunch with the lunch crowd, I popped by A/P Schmidt's office. He was in, but then, no surprise there. He doesn't leave his office a lot. We had a chat, talked about my work, my plans to further my studies, his newborn-9-days-old son, his opinion about the new B.A structure. My impression of my ex-sup has always not been congruent with that of most of my classmates.
Had a walk in the Co-op. Changed so much! And damn messy. Queue damn long, and the cashier damn slow. So, I put back what I wanted to buy and decided to go YIH for lunch. I had Genki sushi for lunch. hee...
It was supposed to be a walk down memory lane, but it turned out to be a rather unfamiliar lane. Except for the small intermission of bumping into Soon Kuan at the bus-stop. Still, I'm glad I stopped by, cos it's something I've been wanting to do ever since the start of this year.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:14
September 05, 2004
A little less nicer
I wonder if I am getting too skeptical and demanding these days. If I am giving less room for mistakes. If it has, ironically, anything to do with my occupation.
Ask anyone who knows me long enough. I've always been a (hate to use tis word, but) nice, patient, agreeable and easy-going girl. I always try to make life that bit more bearable for other people.
Not anymore. I think.
Example. In the past, I would put up with bad service, thinking that 'oh well, they're also doing their best at their job, no need to be so harsh with people'. Now, I tell the unlucky waiter/waitress, with a straight face, to waive the service charge cos I'm not going to pay for something I didn't get.
Example. In the past, I would do almost any roadside survey as long as they ask me politely. Even when I had to decline, I... Actually, I rarely decline. Cos it was like 'oh well, it's tough to do all these under the hot sun too. Besides, I have time.' Now, I ask what the survey is about and if it's something I see no point in helping, I tell the unlucky one that I've done countless of these surveys and am not interested in doing one more. Then, I walk away.
Eug said it's cos I'm steely. And I almost strangled Laifa when he insisted that I look meek and am probably meek (and he added that's probably why it's not difficult to imagine me as a teacher). I think I must be extremely 'nice' to him by not asking him to just F*** off. Don't mention it, dear.
Any idea who has the most contact with the little monsters that our time now is seeing? Teachers are the last group of people one should associate with being meek.
'Nice' is a bad word, as far as I'm concerned.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 03:26
Be stopped
Do not visit Coffee Club, Orchard fountain corner (that's what was printed on the menu, the new 24Hr CC just in front of California Fitness Centre, Orchard Road) if you do not want to be severely disappointed by the low standard of service and comparatively low standard of food and beverage that in my view, has never been associated with CC till now.
Twice in a week, I was there, 2nd time quite involuntarily. Service leaves much to be desired, cept for the host of the queue, who did an excellent job in admitting us as promptly as she could and chatting up people who were still in the queue.
I didn't mean to be picky but the time that I was there, I could see and hear displeasure at the service standard:
1. the couple in my 2 o'clock direction had long finished their dessert before their drinks were served.
2. The couple sitting right behind Wenn... the gentleman was served the wrong beverage or something, after waiting for a long time. He looked amused when he had to get the waitress to change it. Waitress came back after some time with the ostensibly right drink. I saw him took a sip and then grimaced like he just drank cat's urine, shook his head. When they left, the drink was still full.
3. The couple sitting beside our table had their dessert served before their main course. They sensibly told the staff to take the tiramisu back. The poor tiramisu must have felt so rejected, but that was no fault of the customers.
4. The group of girls sitting behind obviously were getting quite impatient, if not pissed, cos I heard them tell the waitress that 'This is the 3rd time we are asking for our bill'.
How bad is bad when it comes to customer service? CC, Orchard Fountain Corner really need to put their act together fast. Cos even someone who enjoys their Iced Passion as much as me will find it hard to compromise on service.
Between now and then, I'd still head for CC, Millenia Walk for the perfect combi of service, quality of FnB and ambience.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 03:08
September 04, 2004
haven't been using this sub-heading for awhile...
From the papers...18
Filipino teachers or retired local teachers as teacher aides (TA) in schools. Wait, let me go back a step.
Singapore Teachers Union (STU) set up a new business wing - EduCare - to take care of educational activities and services for its teachers. I don't know why but I feel quite uncomfortable knowing that there's such thing as a 'business wing' in a teachers union. Talking about educational activities and services, shouldn't it be a matter of concern for MOE, rather than to have the teachers themselves double-up as sales-people, albeit it might be for their own benefit?
It kinda contradicts their somewhat feasible proposal to have TA for teachers, isn't it? I just imagine... free the teachers from admin stuff and whatnot from their own school, so that the extra time they have can be used to erm, run a new school in Batam? Sounds brilliant...
And ya, why outsource? Look local. Why not let the untrained teachers i.e. teachers that have not completed NIE, be TA? Far as I understand, some of them have the chance to be attached to schools to have a taste of teaching first before they go NIE. Why not be more flexible and recruit fresh grads as TAs? Many fresh grads, out of desperation and a bald bank account, often turn to teaching, anyway. So, before they send in their application to NIE, why not open the doors to them to try TA (and hopefully they will end up knowing for sure if they want to go into teaching or not)? But don't be slack about the screening process. There's a kind of people who just should not go near pupils.
And, what is the role of the TAs? To help out in admin stuff and class preparation? To take on CCA? To be a shadow teacher in a class where there are severely distracted or disruptive students? For every different role, there should be different expectations in terms of suitability.
Important also, how is EduCare going to chart out the salary structure for these TAs? From what I read, one of the reasons why EduCare is looking at oversea teachers is the lower cost involved in engaging them, vis-a-vis local ones.
My opinion is, if cost is so important, then, look at other alternatives to lessen the non-teaching workload for teachers. Like, simply, have more admin stuff (employ locals!). Personally, I think that the quality of teachers and teaching should never be compromised for cost-saving measures.
Just something that I'm wondering. Has the workload of teachers gotta do with the curriculum? If so, shouldn't STU be looking seriously at the curriculum in schools and proposing ways of bettering the curriculum rather than employ TAs? One very important and feasible way of bettering the teaching of curriculum is subject integration. I know some mainstream teachers are already doing it. Prepare more but mark much less, and subject integration is definitely more effective learning for students than teaching subjects in isolation.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:07
September 01, 2004
Happy Teachers' Day
Not just to teachers in classroom, but teachers outside classroom. Teachers who taught with textbooks, teachers who taught without textbooks and teachers who taught more than the textbooks.
xxx
The people who are brought before you, each and every new piece of paper, untainted, un-equipped. Every action, every word, every instruction you give, are bound to leave marks on this paper.
Give them not just the answers, but the assurance that it is perfectly all right to challenge the answers. Correct their behaviour, but also correct their attitude. Penalise them for doing wrong, but not punish them for attempting. Hold back your own expectations of what they should be, but do not teach them to hold back their questions about the world and life (no matter how bizarre the questions and how stumped you would be).
You matter because you are making a difference. Be careful, but also be passionate. Lives will change because of you.
xxx
Happy Teachers' Day to Mrs Cheng - my form teacher, as well as Accounts teacher in Sec 3 and 4. The one teacher whose might has helped to shape my learning, my convictions, and consequently, my life.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:30